Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Merry Christmas

I just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I can't believe it is almost here and I have not been shopping. I usally get it done early but not this year. I don't know what to buy anyway. I am a terrible shopper unless it is something for me. I haven't even got anything for my wife yet. hmmmm not good. I had better find something or she might send me another one of her mean text messages. haha Check out her last post. CiCi
Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year.
I love you all
Bror :)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Sitting on the Fence

Since I started blogging I have learned so much about myself. The most important thing being that I am not alone in being Mormon and homosexual. It is amazing how we all are so much the same, the same thoughts, feelings, desires etc. It feels so good to finally be among men and women who totally understand me. I look forward to reading the posts daily. I just feel with what I read in most of the posts, I am really just sitting on the fence. I need to get more involved with the issues. I am not sure what the that means, but in the mean time, I sure like being here.



The other night I mentioned to my wife that I wanted to go to Scott's moho party. I totally loved the idea. I have even thought of having one myself. She imediately replied with something so familiar to Beck "so what's next? I suppose you and your moho friends with have a float in the pride festival next year" I had to laugh. I thought of Abelard being in charge of the float to make sure everything was up to code. I could wear the standard moho attire to show people how normal looking I am. Anyway, I do tell her everything and she has even started blogging too. She was a bit emotional at first from reading all the moho posts and reading first hand the true feelings posted here. The thing that shocked her the most is that there is an emotional side to being gay. It's just not all about having sex with a man. It is so much more, other than being attracted to men, the basic needs are the same. My wife has started blogging, so if you are interested in what she has to say here is her blog http://http//cici1966.blogspot.com/


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Family Home Evening Maybe


Well, I went to the Metallica concert last monday in Salt Lake City. I didn't care for the two warm up bands but Metallica was awesome.
I attended my first Metallica concert around 4 years ago with my son. I felt he was to young to go on his own, so I gave in, and bought the tickets. Much to my surprise, I had a great time. I became a fan. Anyway, it was nice to get away and chill for a night. Nothing else mattered for a evening except I was having a great time with my son. Rock on fellow Mohos. :)

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Hindsight

Zinj has asked me the following question. "In hindsight what advice do you give to us closeted SSA kids that want to stay in the church and have a family in our future? Its sounding scary."



I am not sure I have much advice for those of you contemplating marriage. All I can do is tell you more about my marriage and maybe it will help you decide what is right for you. A couple of things helped me to marry. I always wanted to be a father and have children of my own. But I really didn't have a plan until I met my future wife. She really was the main reason for my decision. It was always just bouncing around in my head. I knew I was gay, but I would work on changing my ssa and things would be just peachy.


My wife is the first women who I like to touch me, her kiss, her embrace, her hand on my body felt good for the first time. She made me feel like I could possibly be heterosexual. We dated for two years before we were married. We lived far apart and were together only during school. Anyway, we got married and things started to roll. I was so busy being married it was easy to put my "dark side" on the back burner. It was OK because soon it would be gone. Besides, I had more important things to do. The children started coming. There is nothing like the birth of a child. I really can't describe the feeling. It is just awesome. I love every moment of being a father. Every child is so different, unique and has it's own operating manual. What works on one doesn't work on the other one. But hey, I had family now. Things are looking good.

All this time my "dark side" is still there lurking around. My wife has always told me she feels more like a sister to me than my wife. This was before I came out to her. And now that she knows, it's a full time job to make her feel like a wife. I am doing better in that department. But at the same time the intimacy part is getting harder for me too. I would say that is number one on my "hard to do list". And, she has told me that if she knew about me before getting married she would have said no.

I often think about when all the kids are gone. I believe that will be my ultimate test yet. I feel that they are the glue holding the family together now. Even though I do plan things just with my wife, the kids rule the family schedule. But that is not such a bad thing either. I love nothing more than watching my kids grow up and experience life.

So all I can really say is I am still busy pushing the right buttons to make my marriage work. But I must say it sure is worth it.



Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Attraction

Am I the only one who suffers the wrath of his wife at "that time of the month" for being homosexual? It happened the other day again. She goes on how important it is for me to desire her sexually and to make love to her and make her feel like a women etc. etc. And how she doesn't get enough of this from me. I like to think I am doing a pretty good job considering the situation. When she is done, I am lost for words. We have been over this so many times. What in the heck does she want me to say? I can only be truthful with her. Usually, in about a week it is over. But that only gives me three weeks until the next time.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Not an Option

I am sitting here shedding genuine tears tonight. I have been for most of the day. I am sad because some one dear to me has taken her own life. She was my friend, some who I loved dearly. I don't know why she made the decision. Did she feel that her family did not love her. Was she unable to get over never knowing her mother who past away when she was only young? Was this the only way out of a marriage that has been difficult? Could I have helped in some way? Did she give me a help message that I left unanswered. I have so many questions that will never be answered. They will never be answered now. I have had a few days in my life where I thought I would be better off dead. It comes with the territory in which I live. But being dead is not an option. I love the Moho brotherhood. Thanks for being here and making me feel like I belong.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Gay Forever?

What if I am gay forever? I told that to my wife the other day. She looked at me like what are you saying. I told her it was like for her to believe in the next life she would be gay. She could never imagine such a thing. So why could I imagine such a change. I don't feel inferior or less human here on earth because of being gay. I can't imagine being anything else than I am now. And if I were to change, what would that mean? What would the effects on me be. Would I finally feel free or would I feel sorrow from losing this part of me? I would not be me anymore. I would be this new version of me I didn't know. If I had a way of changing my gayness tomorrow, would I do it, no. I can't, I would not be me. Just some wild thoughts from me today guys. :)

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Bror the bromancer

I am taking my daughter to get a energy drink before work. She was in the store and I was in the the car looking at the handsome guy in the vehicle next to me. He looked great there with his buddies going over some papers. Suddenly, I was reminded of how much I was attracted his maleness. I was reminded of Beck's bromance word. The thought came to my mind, would this guy be a good bromance. I am not sure if my bromances are the same as Beck's but I am sure they are similiar.
A few years back, I just wanted a friend like me. I finally found a guy online and I sent him a message and he sent one back. As it turns out, we had a lot in common. He had been married but he was now divorced, and he had kids. We started chatting and got to know each other well. I liked the fact that he was in Europe, I could bare my soul and I would never see him in person. Well, I was wrong, I ended up buying a ticket and flying to meet him. Yes, against my wifes wishes. I kept none of this secret from her. I wanted her to come along but she would not. I went for 15 days and had the time of my life. I had never been on a trip on my own since being married. I had no clue what was going to happen until it happened. It was great being there with him.
I was a good boy and nothing happened that would end my marriage or my membership in the church. He respected the fact that I was married and he was happy to have me come visit. The only thing I feel guilty about was I had such a good time. It was good for me.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Me

Being new to the blogging scene, I thought in this post I should tell a little about myself. I have lived in Utah for all my life. I have been gay and mormon my whole life. It was never a question of if I was gay, but when my gay gene was going to be removed from my DNA because of me being a good mormon boy :). After a few heart wrenching trails in my life, I have finely accepted that change is not an option. I am me, and I like me. I am married and just came out to my wife 2 years ago. I told her only after one of my gay friends said it was wrong for me to keep her in the dark. I knew he was right and found the courage to tell her. I thought she would leave me but she took it better than I thought. She even told me a few things about herself that curled my hair (ha ha). I told her, please don't tell me anymore. She struggles with the attraction part, but so far she is still here. I have five kids and I am not out to them. My wife's wish. I would tell them if it were up to me. I just hate living a lie. I like what I have been reading in the blogs here. I could have written many of them myself. It is great to know that I am not alone in this predicament. Anyway, I am glad to be here and look forward to getting to know everyone. And Beck, I am so guilty of some serious bromancing. But my bromances are my age. :) We will have to talk about them. And Abelard, thanks for your help in getting me here.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Hey it's great to be here. I will write more soon.