Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Hindsight

Zinj has asked me the following question. "In hindsight what advice do you give to us closeted SSA kids that want to stay in the church and have a family in our future? Its sounding scary."



I am not sure I have much advice for those of you contemplating marriage. All I can do is tell you more about my marriage and maybe it will help you decide what is right for you. A couple of things helped me to marry. I always wanted to be a father and have children of my own. But I really didn't have a plan until I met my future wife. She really was the main reason for my decision. It was always just bouncing around in my head. I knew I was gay, but I would work on changing my ssa and things would be just peachy.


My wife is the first women who I like to touch me, her kiss, her embrace, her hand on my body felt good for the first time. She made me feel like I could possibly be heterosexual. We dated for two years before we were married. We lived far apart and were together only during school. Anyway, we got married and things started to roll. I was so busy being married it was easy to put my "dark side" on the back burner. It was OK because soon it would be gone. Besides, I had more important things to do. The children started coming. There is nothing like the birth of a child. I really can't describe the feeling. It is just awesome. I love every moment of being a father. Every child is so different, unique and has it's own operating manual. What works on one doesn't work on the other one. But hey, I had family now. Things are looking good.

All this time my "dark side" is still there lurking around. My wife has always told me she feels more like a sister to me than my wife. This was before I came out to her. And now that she knows, it's a full time job to make her feel like a wife. I am doing better in that department. But at the same time the intimacy part is getting harder for me too. I would say that is number one on my "hard to do list". And, she has told me that if she knew about me before getting married she would have said no.

I often think about when all the kids are gone. I believe that will be my ultimate test yet. I feel that they are the glue holding the family together now. Even though I do plan things just with my wife, the kids rule the family schedule. But that is not such a bad thing either. I love nothing more than watching my kids grow up and experience life.

So all I can really say is I am still busy pushing the right buttons to make my marriage work. But I must say it sure is worth it.



Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Attraction

Am I the only one who suffers the wrath of his wife at "that time of the month" for being homosexual? It happened the other day again. She goes on how important it is for me to desire her sexually and to make love to her and make her feel like a women etc. etc. And how she doesn't get enough of this from me. I like to think I am doing a pretty good job considering the situation. When she is done, I am lost for words. We have been over this so many times. What in the heck does she want me to say? I can only be truthful with her. Usually, in about a week it is over. But that only gives me three weeks until the next time.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Not an Option

I am sitting here shedding genuine tears tonight. I have been for most of the day. I am sad because some one dear to me has taken her own life. She was my friend, some who I loved dearly. I don't know why she made the decision. Did she feel that her family did not love her. Was she unable to get over never knowing her mother who past away when she was only young? Was this the only way out of a marriage that has been difficult? Could I have helped in some way? Did she give me a help message that I left unanswered. I have so many questions that will never be answered. They will never be answered now. I have had a few days in my life where I thought I would be better off dead. It comes with the territory in which I live. But being dead is not an option. I love the Moho brotherhood. Thanks for being here and making me feel like I belong.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Gay Forever?

What if I am gay forever? I told that to my wife the other day. She looked at me like what are you saying. I told her it was like for her to believe in the next life she would be gay. She could never imagine such a thing. So why could I imagine such a change. I don't feel inferior or less human here on earth because of being gay. I can't imagine being anything else than I am now. And if I were to change, what would that mean? What would the effects on me be. Would I finally feel free or would I feel sorrow from losing this part of me? I would not be me anymore. I would be this new version of me I didn't know. If I had a way of changing my gayness tomorrow, would I do it, no. I can't, I would not be me. Just some wild thoughts from me today guys. :)

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Bror the bromancer

I am taking my daughter to get a energy drink before work. She was in the store and I was in the the car looking at the handsome guy in the vehicle next to me. He looked great there with his buddies going over some papers. Suddenly, I was reminded of how much I was attracted his maleness. I was reminded of Beck's bromance word. The thought came to my mind, would this guy be a good bromance. I am not sure if my bromances are the same as Beck's but I am sure they are similiar.
A few years back, I just wanted a friend like me. I finally found a guy online and I sent him a message and he sent one back. As it turns out, we had a lot in common. He had been married but he was now divorced, and he had kids. We started chatting and got to know each other well. I liked the fact that he was in Europe, I could bare my soul and I would never see him in person. Well, I was wrong, I ended up buying a ticket and flying to meet him. Yes, against my wifes wishes. I kept none of this secret from her. I wanted her to come along but she would not. I went for 15 days and had the time of my life. I had never been on a trip on my own since being married. I had no clue what was going to happen until it happened. It was great being there with him.
I was a good boy and nothing happened that would end my marriage or my membership in the church. He respected the fact that I was married and he was happy to have me come visit. The only thing I feel guilty about was I had such a good time. It was good for me.