Zinj has asked me the following question. "In hindsight what advice do you give to us closeted SSA kids that want to stay in the church and have a family in our future? Its sounding scary."
I am not sure I have much advice for those of you contemplating marriage. All I can do is tell you more about my marriage and maybe it will help you decide what is right for you. A couple of things helped me to marry. I always wanted to be a father and have children of my own. But I really didn't have a plan until I met my future wife. She really was the main reason for my decision. It was always just bouncing around in my head. I knew I was gay, but I would work on changing my ssa and things would be just peachy.
My wife is the first women who I like to touch me, her kiss, her embrace, her hand on my body felt good for the first time. She made me feel like I could possibly be heterosexual. We dated for two years before we were married. We lived far apart and were together only during school. Anyway, we got married and things started to roll. I was so busy being married it was easy to put my "dark side" on the back burner. It was OK because soon it would be gone. Besides, I had more important things to do. The children started coming. There is nothing like the birth of a child. I really can't describe the feeling. It is just awesome. I love every moment of being a father. Every child is so different, unique and has it's own operating manual. What works on one doesn't work on the other one. But hey, I had family now. Things are looking good.
All this time my "dark side" is still there lurking around. My wife has always told me she feels more like a sister to me than my wife. This was before I came out to her. And now that she knows, it's a full time job to make her feel like a wife. I am doing better in that department. But at the same time the intimacy part is getting harder for me too. I would say that is number one on my "hard to do list". And, she has told me that if she knew about me before getting married she would have said no.
I often think about when all the kids are gone. I believe that will be my ultimate test yet. I feel that they are the glue holding the family together now. Even though I do plan things just with my wife, the kids rule the family schedule. But that is not such a bad thing either. I love nothing more than watching my kids grow up and experience life.
So all I can really say is I am still busy pushing the right buttons to make my marriage work. But I must say it sure is worth it.