Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I am going with the family to the in-laws for the Christmas holidays. I am not to thrilled about it, but I am trying to be nice and positive. I just like to stay home for Christmas. It's not the same at some other home. Who wants to haul all the stuff and put it under grandma's fake homophobic tree when we have our own nice "Kmart blue light special" tree right here at home. Anyway, I am going, wish me luck.
I have really enjoyed the snow this year. I have enjoyed keeping the fire burning and the house warm. It's suppose to snow again tomorrow, I just hope it is finished by the time we hit the road to grandma's. The roads have been snowed packed in town ever since the first storm. I love waking up each morning to the frost on the trees and everything. It's such and awesome sight.
I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I am thankful for the friends I have made here and wish you all the best. I am looking forward to another year of being with the moho bloggers.
Big Hug for everyone.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Yes, I am still here. Sorry I have not posted in a while. It's not that I haven't wanted to post. I have much to say, but sometimes I just don't know how to say it. Maybe if I would write on my blog more it would be easier to write what I have to say.
I never really have anything new to say. Just things about everyday life. I don't worry about the church stuff to much because I don't see things changing there much in my life time. I just try to work on my own family and help them to understand what it really means to be gay.
The seminary teacher told my kids the other day that one chooses to be gay. Also, that all gays will all be in the lowest kingdom in heaven because of this "choice". They will be there with all the other scum of the earth. What a bunch of bullshit. Why would anyone choose to be gay. I am not angry, because I know the teacher is so ignorant on the subject of being gay. I have known the teacher most of my whole life. But I am glad to say my kids don't agree. One even suggested that maybe the teacher needs to watch "Prayers for Bobby" or read the book. I was proud of them. By the way, I am not out to my kids.
For some reason, I have also thought that after telling my wife about me be gay that my life would be easier. Well, it some ways it is and some ways it is not. Most months seem the same. She usually has one week out of the month that basically she can't stand me. It is always about the physical attraction part. The thought of me being gay or with another man makes her sick. I am like please, not again. I know I messed up thinking one day this gayness would be lifted from me. But must I suffer every month for it. I guess it is so. There is nothing I can do about. She threatens to leave for a man who worships her physically. I have told that if she must do it I would not stop her. I understand. But I ask her if she thinks he would love her anymore than I do. Would the rest of the marriage measure up to what we have? Would he be nice to her and take care of her? Would he whisper he loved her in her ear? If this need was filled would the rest of the marriage really matter? She would be so happy being physically satisfied maybe it wouldn't matter. I can't even answer these question for myself when she says she is not what I want. But we hash it over each month. I am to often reminded that I am attracted to the male body. I use to try and talk myself out of it. But I can't anymore. I have accepted the fact that a handsome guy is going to make me realize I am as gay as they come. I don't run away from it anymore. And so goes the life in a MOM marriage. What a blessing this blog is for me. Hey, I'm ok :)
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
As we all know, sometimes in a mom marriage we have occasional melt downs. During the last minor melt down my wife said she knew the reason I married her. I just wanted a baby machine. Someone to pop out kids for me. And now that baby time is over, I didn't need her anymore. I am free to find a boyfriend and run off and live happily ever after. I am like, what the hell, where does she come up with this stuff. That's not the reason I got married at all. I thought I pushed all the right buttons when I got married. I have always wanted to be a father since I can remember. But marrying her as a baby machine was not the reason at all. Yes, I knew I was gay. No, I did not tell her my secret. Do I think I should have told her my secret before we got married? Yes, I do now. Does she believe me when I tell her that I thought by being Peter Priesthood and "doing what is right" I would be cured of my male attractions? Hmmm, I don't know. Do I regret my decision to get married? No I don't. Do I feel very lucky to have kids? Yes, very! If I knew then what I know now, would I get married. I don't know. Then the chill sets in and the melt down is over. We tell each other we are sorry and we laugh about it and get on with life. There will be more melt downs. This baby machine theory makes me smile. :)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
My wife and I had the big long talk the other night. I don't know why because we both had to be up early the next morning. We talked about a lot of things related to our mom marriage. She has several concerns and we rehashed each one of them over again.
One concern is we are not as intimate as we once were. Hmmm, I will take the blame for that myself. What use to work for me is not working now. It really bothers her that I am not attracted to the female body. She feels like she has no reason to look good anymore because I could care less what she looks like nude. It bothers me when she says things like this. Even though it is partly true. She knows my secret, I can't fake it anymore. She is very beautiful and would drive any hetero guy insane. But for me, well, you know. I'm trying to better this part of the marriage.
She also worries because I am basically inactive in church even though I go quite often. I mainly go for my youngest child. I have said no to all jobs for about 5 years now. It's not like I planned it this way. I just can't "fit the mold" as Scott has said. I want to go and be Peter Priesthood but I can't. I just don't know where I fit in and I don't want to pretend anymore. My wife doesn't understand my feelings. She says I have never acted on these feeling so what am I worried about. But that doesn't make me feel like I "fit the mold" any better. I guess I want a moho quorum. :) She use to feel that the attraction to males was only physical. That one hot night with a guy and I would be good. She didn't realize there was an emotional part the the relationship too. I think this new discovery bothers her the most. To be honest I don't really know what I want myself.
living in the shadow