Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year

I wish you all the best for 2010.
Thanks for the friendship.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Merry Christmas

Ok, don't pass out. It's really a post from me. I have been reading all the moho blogs and I am always going to post something tomorrow. So, I guess tomorrow is finally here. I have not been doing much but working, washing dishes (makes wife happy) and going to my kids sporting events. My favorite being the sporting events. I love watching my kids play basketball the most. It can be so intense at times. It's also nice to have all the kids home for the holidays. So far none of them are married so I don't have to share them yet.
I am going with the family to the in-laws for the Christmas holidays. I am not to thrilled about it, but I am trying to be nice and positive. I just like to stay home for Christmas. It's not the same at some other home. Who wants to haul all the stuff and put it under grandma's fake homophobic tree when we have our own nice "Kmart blue light special" tree right here at home. Anyway, I am going, wish me luck.
I have really enjoyed the snow this year. I have enjoyed keeping the fire burning and the house warm. It's suppose to snow again tomorrow, I just hope it is finished by the time we hit the road to grandma's. The roads have been snowed packed in town ever since the first storm. I love waking up each morning to the frost on the trees and everything. It's such and awesome sight.
I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I am thankful for the friends I have made here and wish you all the best. I am looking forward to another year of being with the moho bloggers.
Big Hug for everyone.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Friday night in salt lake city :) hanging out at the gateway with the family. Fun times.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

World's Apart

Yes, tonight I feel a world apart from my wife. It's my fault. I'm not giving her all she needs in our marriage. I don't know what to do. Yes, I wish it would go away and leave me alone. Yes, I feel terrible inside just like she does, but her feelings are validated by the world, the feelings I have are not. Is our love fatal for each other. Is it like poison, slowly killing us? Can just one need ruin everything we have? We are so different like light and dark, hate and love.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Yeah, the feelings were stirred a bit in the ole body tonight. It happens ever so often. Handsome guy comes along and reminds me of what I am. The feelings are intense enough I do things for him I wouldn't do for anyone else. I am getting braver in my old age. I need more than just a good look to satisfy me. I need a name, where they are from and where they are going.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Is chilling out in down town salt lake city for the weekend :)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

She says......

She feels that she must choose between me and the church. I am not Mormon enough. Being who I am, I guess I will never be Mormon enough. Maybe she loves the church more than me.

Monday, September 28, 2009


Tonight is one of those nights were I just need to go into my man cave and chill. I don't want to be a husband, dad, boss or homo. I just need to do nothing and rest a bit and recharge my batteries.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I'm OK

Yes, I am still here. Sorry I have not posted in a while. It's not that I haven't wanted to post. I have much to say, but sometimes I just don't know how to say it. Maybe if I would write on my blog more it would be easier to write what I have to say.
I never really have anything new to say. Just things about everyday life. I don't worry about the church stuff to much because I don't see things changing there much in my life time. I just try to work on my own family and help them to understand what it really means to be gay.
The seminary teacher told my kids the other day that one chooses to be gay. Also, that all gays will all be in the lowest kingdom in heaven because of this "choice". They will be there with all the other scum of the earth. What a bunch of bullshit. Why would anyone choose to be gay. I am not angry, because I know the teacher is so ignorant on the subject of being gay. I have known the teacher most of my whole life. But I am glad to say my kids don't agree. One even suggested that maybe the teacher needs to watch "Prayers for Bobby" or read the book. I was proud of them. By the way, I am not out to my kids.
For some reason, I have also thought that after telling my wife about me be gay that my life would be easier. Well, it some ways it is and some ways it is not. Most months seem the same. She usually has one week out of the month that basically she can't stand me. It is always about the physical attraction part. The thought of me being gay or with another man makes her sick. I am like please, not again. I know I messed up thinking one day this gayness would be lifted from me. But must I suffer every month for it. I guess it is so. There is nothing I can do about. She threatens to leave for a man who worships her physically. I have told that if she must do it I would not stop her. I understand. But I ask her if she thinks he would love her anymore than I do. Would the rest of the marriage measure up to what we have? Would he be nice to her and take care of her? Would he whisper he loved her in her ear? If this need was filled would the rest of the marriage really matter? She would be so happy being physically satisfied maybe it wouldn't matter. I can't even answer these question for myself when she says she is not what I want. But we hash it over each month. I am to often reminded that I am attracted to the male body. I use to try and talk myself out of it. But I can't anymore. I have accepted the fact that a handsome guy is going to make me realize I am as gay as they come. I don't run away from it anymore. And so goes the life in a MOM marriage. What a blessing this blog is for me. Hey, I'm ok :)

Sunday, July 12, 2009


I just spent some time with my wife's family. It was reunion time and everyone was there that mattered. It was good to see everyone. The only thing that bothered me was all the gay bashing that goes on. I am only out to my wife so no one knows my secret and I have no desire to tell them at the moment. I can handle the bashing, but I must say I wonder what they would be like if they knew? Would knowing this detox them of all the misinformation and ideas they have of what it's like to be gay? They really are clueless.I don't know how many times I hear from them that you choose to be gay. Duh, this is a no brainer for anyone who is gay. It is like saying they choose to be heterosexual. It was never a choice for me. For those of you that have come out to the family, has it helped to detox them of all the wrong ideas and misinformation or has it made them shun you and pretend you don't exist? I would love to hear your story.

Friday, July 10, 2009

I am happy that some of my tomatoes are finally turning red. I can't wait to eat them.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Testing 1 2 3 4

Sunday, June 28, 2009


The other night my wife was in one of her fun it-sucks-my-husband-is-gay moods. In a fun way, she was being a smart ass about me being gay. Asking questions like, if I had this or that would you be attracted to me. If she didn't shave her under arms and legs and gave me whisker burn would it turn me on. If she joined the gym and got all buff would I like her lean body? I am cracking up but answering the questions. So after a while I give her a hug and she said, "so all the hugs and kisses you have given me have been fake because you want to be with a man?". Of course I answered, no they are genuine hugs and kisses from me. I know this to be true but how do I make her feel that they are? Wow, she has got me thinking. At least she didn't bring up the "I feel like your sister" topic. I don't know, am I being fake?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Baby Machine

As we all know, sometimes in a mom marriage we have occasional melt downs. During the last minor melt down my wife said she knew the reason I married her. I just wanted a baby machine. Someone to pop out kids for me. And now that baby time is over, I didn't need her anymore. I am free to find a boyfriend and run off and live happily ever after. I am like, what the hell, where does she come up with this stuff. That's not the reason I got married at all. I thought I pushed all the right buttons when I got married. I have always wanted to be a father since I can remember. But marrying her as a baby machine was not the reason at all. Yes, I knew I was gay. No, I did not tell her my secret. Do I think I should have told her my secret before we got married? Yes, I do now. Does she believe me when I tell her that I thought by being Peter Priesthood and "doing what is right" I would be cured of my male attractions? Hmmm, I don't know. Do I regret my decision to get married? No I don't. Do I feel very lucky to have kids? Yes, very! If I knew then what I know now, would I get married. I don't know. Then the chill sets in and the melt down is over. We tell each other we are sorry and we laugh about it and get on with life. There will be more melt downs. This baby machine theory makes me smile. :)

Sunday, May 24, 2009


The desert is in bloom. It is nice to have some color along my running trail. To bad the blooms don't last very long.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


My wife and I had the big long talk the other night. I don't know why because we both had to be up early the next morning. We talked about a lot of things related to our mom marriage. She has several concerns and we rehashed each one of them over again.

One concern is we are not as intimate as we once were. Hmmm, I will take the blame for that myself. What use to work for me is not working now. It really bothers her that I am not attracted to the female body. She feels like she has no reason to look good anymore because I could care less what she looks like nude. It bothers me when she says things like this. Even though it is partly true. She knows my secret, I can't fake it anymore. She is very beautiful and would drive any hetero guy insane. But for me, well, you know. I'm trying to better this part of the marriage.

She also worries because I am basically inactive in church even though I go quite often. I mainly go for my youngest child. I have said no to all jobs for about 5 years now. It's not like I planned it this way. I just can't "fit the mold" as Scott has said. I want to go and be Peter Priesthood but I can't. I just don't know where I fit in and I don't want to pretend anymore. My wife doesn't understand my feelings. She says I have never acted on these feeling so what am I worried about. But that doesn't make me feel like I "fit the mold" any better. I guess I want a moho quorum. :) She use to feel that the attraction to males was only physical. That one hot night with a guy and I would be good. She didn't realize there was an emotional part the the relationship too. I think this new discovery bothers her the most. To be honest I don't really know what I want myself.

living in the shadow


Monday, May 4, 2009


Sometimes I wish to hang with a moho friend. I don't know of any near by since I live out in the sticks. But at times, like tonight, it would be fun to go out to eat and bullshit for a while about life. There is nothing like talking to someone who knows you about as well as you know yourself.

Monday, March 9, 2009


It so natural to be attracted to the male body. I am constantly reminded throughout each day of my life. This characteristic has a way of coming to the surface suddenly. Who is this guy that reminds me. He could be anyone really. Nothing special triggers this attraction. When it happens, what do I notice first? His smile, eyes, body, intellect, how he says "hi"? I don't know really. Maybe it's the combination of all of them. I really don't know. It's just there, a part of me.

Friday, January 16, 2009


When my wife and I go on little trips my ssa always comes up. I guess it is because the kids are not in the car and we can speak at will. The one topic that comes up the most is my attraction to the physical male body. It bothers her the most that I am not attracted to the female body. For the longest time she thought that she could cure me by losing weight, getting breast augmentation, nose job, new hair cut etc. I must say, my wife needs none of these. She has always taken such good care of herself. She has classic beauty that never fades. She needs to do nothing to herself. She has only wanted to do these things to make me want her in the way a "lover" would. I guess it just bothers me that this is the one need I cannot fulfill for her. How do I make her feel I am her "heterosexual lover" when in all reality I am not. She asks me why I can't just "pretend" it's true. I guess I have been "pretending" all these years. It was much easier pretending when she didn't know about me and I had faith that one day I wouldn't have to pretend anymore. I don't have that faith anymore. What if one day she finds this "lover"? Not that she is looking. Things are different. I think about it a lot. What does the future hold? I don't know really. I live one day at a time.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Sometimes I Fall Apart

Every so often I fall apart. I couldn't really tell you why. But it happens and I usually come out OK. Reading Becks last Greek Tragedy post really hit home. To be honest, it made me cry inside for several days after I read it. Everything he says in the post is true of my marriage too. I read it several times and wanted to comment, but I couldn't, I was to over come with emotion.

My wife has told me many times she feels more like my sister and not my lover. Yes, it hurts to hear this coming from her. I want to be this lover but I can't. She knows my secret. I finally figured this out about 5 years ago, it's not going to happen. It sucks, but it's true. I do love her with all my heart. It just isn't the "lover love" she needs. Sometimes I can't believe that I use to believe if I got married and lived the good Mormon life my ssa would leave me. I would be cured. It seems so crazy now. And to make things worse, I believe that one of my children suffers from this same ssa attraction. It breaks my heart.
I do get strength to battle life from being here, reading and sharing my life with my moho family. It's a good place to be for me. Things are better now. Thanks