When my wife and I go on little trips my ssa always comes up. I guess it is because the kids are not in the car and we can speak at will. The one topic that comes up the most is my attraction to the physical male body. It bothers her the most that I am not attracted to the female body. For the longest time she thought that she could cure me by losing weight, getting breast augmentation, nose job, new hair cut etc. I must say, my wife needs none of these. She has always taken such good care of herself. She has classic beauty that never fades. She needs to do nothing to herself. She has only wanted to do these things to make me want her in the way a "lover" would. I guess it just bothers me that this is the one need I cannot fulfill for her. How do I make her feel I am her "heterosexual lover" when in all reality I am not. She asks me why I can't just "pretend" it's true. I guess I have been "pretending" all these years. It was much easier pretending when she didn't know about me and I had faith that one day I wouldn't have to pretend anymore. I don't have that faith anymore. What if one day she finds this "lover"? Not that she is looking. Things are different. I think about it a lot. What does the future hold? I don't know really. I live one day at a time.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Every so often I fall apart. I couldn't really tell you why. But it happens and I usually come out OK. Reading Becks last Greek Tragedy post really hit home. To be honest, it made me cry inside for several days after I read it. Everything he says in the post is true of my marriage too. I read it several times and wanted to comment, but I couldn't, I was to over come with emotion.
My wife has told me many times she feels more like my sister and not my lover. Yes, it hurts to hear this coming from her. I want to be this lover but I can't. She knows my secret. I finally figured this out about 5 years ago, it's not going to happen. It sucks, but it's true. I do love her with all my heart. It just isn't the "lover love" she needs. Sometimes I can't believe that I use to believe if I got married and lived the good Mormon life my ssa would leave me. I would be cured. It seems so crazy now. And to make things worse, I believe that one of my children suffers from this same ssa attraction. It breaks my heart.
I do get strength to battle life from being here, reading and sharing my life with my moho family. It's a good place to be for me. Things are better now. Thanks