Friday, January 16, 2009


When my wife and I go on little trips my ssa always comes up. I guess it is because the kids are not in the car and we can speak at will. The one topic that comes up the most is my attraction to the physical male body. It bothers her the most that I am not attracted to the female body. For the longest time she thought that she could cure me by losing weight, getting breast augmentation, nose job, new hair cut etc. I must say, my wife needs none of these. She has always taken such good care of herself. She has classic beauty that never fades. She needs to do nothing to herself. She has only wanted to do these things to make me want her in the way a "lover" would. I guess it just bothers me that this is the one need I cannot fulfill for her. How do I make her feel I am her "heterosexual lover" when in all reality I am not. She asks me why I can't just "pretend" it's true. I guess I have been "pretending" all these years. It was much easier pretending when she didn't know about me and I had faith that one day I wouldn't have to pretend anymore. I don't have that faith anymore. What if one day she finds this "lover"? Not that she is looking. Things are different. I think about it a lot. What does the future hold? I don't know really. I live one day at a time.


Beck said...

This is a page right out of my current dialog with my wife. She knows that I'm attracted unceasingly to the male form and male beauty and it doesn't matter what she does, I am still not attracted in the same way to the female form or to her physically... and like your wife, she is gorgeous and curvy and voluptuous right where a woman should be... So I pretend and try to help her to see that she is beautiful and to help her to feel beautiful even though I'm not attracted in that special way that she desires me to be.

Though this attraction is only one part of what makes a marriage works (commitment and maturity and friendship and compatibility also factor in with the all-encompassing factor of love) it still is a pretty significant part... one that can build up or destroy a partner's self esteem and self-worth.

Hang in there pretending, and realize that this is just one of many aspects that makes up a successful relationship. I say that - preaching to myself obviously...

Z i n j said...

This is heart breaking to me. I know there are other components to a relationship....but to be burdened with this chasm is so disappointing. I see fear here...of a mate falling after a lifetime of commitment . This is family after-all, not to mention eternal life and exaltation. How can simple chemistry be so cruel. Even with great discipline and restraint the energy generated naturally when I see.... is like a wave breaking on a cliff face. I feel mystery and want to see beyond that which is revealed. A body so sculpted as to be haunting. Surely science can rewire this obsession that seems so natural and right. A shot a pill an operation a zap of electricity....a prayer.... seems not even to reach the clouds above. As you know some of our friends live this hell daily. I keep myself on the move ....ignore and heal but the monster is always chasin a step behind. I hide in the Red Rocks. Beck gives great advice. Lov'in others is what you do the best.

Forester said...

I don't believe that not being attracted to our spouse is something that only gay married men have to deal with. It seems that most straight married men also deal with no longer being attracted to their wife. I know it's not exactly the same as what we experience, but I don't want anyone to believe that this is a situation only gay married men experience. All women seem to want their husbands to be 100% attracted to them and only them, 100% of the time. I don't know of any man who can do this - straight or gay.

However, like you, I wish that I could be attracted to my wife in the same way that a straight man would be. Sometimes I come pretty close. I am attracted to her physically as well as many other ways. I think we need to tell our wives more often that they are beautiful and that we are attracted to them. I guess I don't believe that you are not attracted to your wife physically. You've accepted the world's definition of being gay - that there's some sort of line drawn in the sand where those on one side are gay and those on the other are straight. Attraction is so much more complex than this.

Don't lose faith. Don't lose hope. You and your wife love each other and care for each other. That's what is most important.