Thursday, January 8, 2009

Sometimes I Fall Apart

Every so often I fall apart. I couldn't really tell you why. But it happens and I usually come out OK. Reading Becks last Greek Tragedy post really hit home. To be honest, it made me cry inside for several days after I read it. Everything he says in the post is true of my marriage too. I read it several times and wanted to comment, but I couldn't, I was to over come with emotion.

My wife has told me many times she feels more like my sister and not my lover. Yes, it hurts to hear this coming from her. I want to be this lover but I can't. She knows my secret. I finally figured this out about 5 years ago, it's not going to happen. It sucks, but it's true. I do love her with all my heart. It just isn't the "lover love" she needs. Sometimes I can't believe that I use to believe if I got married and lived the good Mormon life my ssa would leave me. I would be cured. It seems so crazy now. And to make things worse, I believe that one of my children suffers from this same ssa attraction. It breaks my heart.
I do get strength to battle life from being here, reading and sharing my life with my moho family. It's a good place to be for me. Things are better now. Thanks


Beck said...

I'm not sure I'm helping you here as I'm not sure how to help myself... but I have come to the realization that I am not my wife's lover and never will be. This has been a devastating reality that should have been realized decades ago.

But the reality is that I still love her. And hopefully I can see that as enough. I'm not sure I can as I still crave to be "in love" with someone... Doesn't everyone? My latest post deals with this concept and I'm not totally wrapped around it yet or where I stand exactly - only that it's quite a hard reality to realize I've never been "in love" with anyone because of this self-denial.

I'm not sure what you know about your child, but if you do know, then I would hope you can share of your struggles and help your child to not go through the "cure-seeking" stages of self-loathing that you and I went through.

Each generation must help the next and that is your challenge.

My best wishes and hugs..

Z i n j said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Z i n j said...

Bror...this may be too personal to ask but .given that it is what it is...Where does it go from here? Does it change the commitment you have to each other? Does it change the eternal perspective? Obvious pain is there. That not your fault or your wife's fault. Somehow your sacrifice (self denial) must mean something to her. I know that women feel things differently and see this as a deep betrayal of sorts. It isn't and deep down she must know this. This is tough stuff and I hope the pain diminishes with time and patience. Keep your head up. We walk with you.

CiCi said...

I love you. I will always love you. I am proud of your strength and commitment to me and to our marriage. I can't imagine my life without you. I am willing to accept whatever level of love you can offer me. I know you love me. You show me every day. I'm more "okay" with "you" now than I've been in the last 2 1/2 years. We have a great relationship, and you are an amazing husband. You have sacrificed so much for me and for our children, and even though I don't say it enough...THANK YOU so much. Our relationship has only become stronger through all of this. I am glad I know the real you finally. I think you're fabulous!!!