My wife and I had the big long talk the other night. I don't know why because we both had to be up early the next morning. We talked about a lot of things related to our mom marriage. She has several concerns and we rehashed each one of them over again.
One concern is we are not as intimate as we once were. Hmmm, I will take the blame for that myself. What use to work for me is not working now. It really bothers her that I am not attracted to the female body. She feels like she has no reason to look good anymore because I could care less what she looks like nude. It bothers me when she says things like this. Even though it is partly true. She knows my secret, I can't fake it anymore. She is very beautiful and would drive any hetero guy insane. But for me, well, you know. I'm trying to better this part of the marriage.
She also worries because I am basically inactive in church even though I go quite often. I mainly go for my youngest child. I have said no to all jobs for about 5 years now. It's not like I planned it this way. I just can't "fit the mold" as Scott has said. I want to go and be Peter Priesthood but I can't. I just don't know where I fit in and I don't want to pretend anymore. My wife doesn't understand my feelings. She says I have never acted on these feeling so what am I worried about. But that doesn't make me feel like I "fit the mold" any better. I guess I want a moho quorum. :) She use to feel that the attraction to males was only physical. That one hot night with a guy and I would be good. She didn't realize there was an emotional part the the relationship too. I think this new discovery bothers her the most. To be honest I don't really know what I want myself.
living in the shadow