Sunday, May 10, 2009

Shadow

My wife and I had the big long talk the other night. I don't know why because we both had to be up early the next morning. We talked about a lot of things related to our mom marriage. She has several concerns and we rehashed each one of them over again.

One concern is we are not as intimate as we once were. Hmmm, I will take the blame for that myself. What use to work for me is not working now. It really bothers her that I am not attracted to the female body. She feels like she has no reason to look good anymore because I could care less what she looks like nude. It bothers me when she says things like this. Even though it is partly true. She knows my secret, I can't fake it anymore. She is very beautiful and would drive any hetero guy insane. But for me, well, you know. I'm trying to better this part of the marriage.

She also worries because I am basically inactive in church even though I go quite often. I mainly go for my youngest child. I have said no to all jobs for about 5 years now. It's not like I planned it this way. I just can't "fit the mold" as Scott has said. I want to go and be Peter Priesthood but I can't. I just don't know where I fit in and I don't want to pretend anymore. My wife doesn't understand my feelings. She says I have never acted on these feeling so what am I worried about. But that doesn't make me feel like I "fit the mold" any better. I guess I want a moho quorum. :) She use to feel that the attraction to males was only physical. That one hot night with a guy and I would be good. She didn't realize there was an emotional part the the relationship too. I think this new discovery bothers her the most. To be honest I don't really know what I want myself.

living in the shadow

Bror








4 comments:

Sarah said...

You and she are not alone in your feelings--it is that longing for an emotional connection that makes me saddest about Scott being stuck with me. I think that he has figured out that for the moment, he wants life with me in it, but it scares me that he might discover at some point in his life that I am not enough.

What I'm saying is that you both sound normal, that being in a MOM can be really confusing and frustrating. Hang in there, keep communicating, and eventually you will figure out what is best for both of you right now, keeping in mind that the "best" scenario might change later in your lives.

Some moms stay together now, only to drift apart later, discovering that maintaining a friendship with each other while pursuing their own emotional (and physical) needs with someone else is best for them. Some separate for a while and then find themselves back together when they discover that what they had was as good or better than anything else they were looking for.

I don't know how the story will end up for Scott and I. All I know is that for now we are in a good place by staying together. And if we ever decide that the situation needs to change, then it will happen when it is right and everything will be okay.

I know God is guiding my life and all I can do is put my trust in Him, that He knows what is best for me and for Scott.

Anyway, good luck, and keep having those heart-to-heart talks. That has brought Scott and I closer than anything else!

Beck said...

The physical aspect of the relationship is only one part. When my wife realizes I need and desire the emotional part, too, it tears her up as well. Your wife is not alone. And this reality is slow to come. It isn't intuitively obvious. The physical blow is one thing, but the emotional is another.

I'm trying to stay emotionally connected. You've got to stay emotionally connected if this MOM is going to last... and that's coming from someone approaching 28 years.

Beck said...

BTW, playing "Peter Priesthood" is getting harder and harder - there needs to be an emotional connection there, too. I keep going because I force myself to connect with others at Church and allow callings to make me better - but it's getting harder, and I'm feeling the disconnect more and more...

Joe Conflict said...

Having come out to wife and bishop in the same month--I've felt my peter priesthood drifting further away ever since. Some tell you that its because of some horrible sin. I didn't commit any horrible sin. All I do in the church is teach merit badges on citizenship.

But my marriage was messed up before. We were completely missing that intimacy/emotional stool, and had been for a long time. Not by my choice, but by my wife's own "sex issues."

I still want her, and everytime I touch her I want more of her, and I fear if I don't get it (meaning intimacy, affection and emotional connection) it will end.

Good post.