Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I'm OK

Yes, I am still here. Sorry I have not posted in a while. It's not that I haven't wanted to post. I have much to say, but sometimes I just don't know how to say it. Maybe if I would write on my blog more it would be easier to write what I have to say.
I never really have anything new to say. Just things about everyday life. I don't worry about the church stuff to much because I don't see things changing there much in my life time. I just try to work on my own family and help them to understand what it really means to be gay.
The seminary teacher told my kids the other day that one chooses to be gay. Also, that all gays will all be in the lowest kingdom in heaven because of this "choice". They will be there with all the other scum of the earth. What a bunch of bullshit. Why would anyone choose to be gay. I am not angry, because I know the teacher is so ignorant on the subject of being gay. I have known the teacher most of my whole life. But I am glad to say my kids don't agree. One even suggested that maybe the teacher needs to watch "Prayers for Bobby" or read the book. I was proud of them. By the way, I am not out to my kids.
For some reason, I have also thought that after telling my wife about me be gay that my life would be easier. Well, it some ways it is and some ways it is not. Most months seem the same. She usually has one week out of the month that basically she can't stand me. It is always about the physical attraction part. The thought of me being gay or with another man makes her sick. I am like please, not again. I know I messed up thinking one day this gayness would be lifted from me. But must I suffer every month for it. I guess it is so. There is nothing I can do about. She threatens to leave for a man who worships her physically. I have told that if she must do it I would not stop her. I understand. But I ask her if she thinks he would love her anymore than I do. Would the rest of the marriage measure up to what we have? Would he be nice to her and take care of her? Would he whisper he loved her in her ear? If this need was filled would the rest of the marriage really matter? She would be so happy being physically satisfied maybe it wouldn't matter. I can't even answer these question for myself when she says she is not what I want. But we hash it over each month. I am to often reminded that I am attracted to the male body. I use to try and talk myself out of it. But I can't anymore. I have accepted the fact that a handsome guy is going to make me realize I am as gay as they come. I don't run away from it anymore. And so goes the life in a MOM marriage. What a blessing this blog is for me. Hey, I'm ok :)


Bravone said...

You're more than OK. You are awesome. I think your wife probably realizes it as well. Good to hear from you again!

Anonymous said...

i think your wife got the better deal here. my wife complains (not out loud, but i know) when i go to a yoga class once every couple of weeks. meanwhile her friend's husbands spend hours in front of the tv every weekend. if she only knew it was a nude yoga class ; )

Beck said...

I'm glad you're okay.

Please keep writing! I need your voice. The experiences of another MOM going through very similar relationship challenges that I'm dealing with, particularly with a wife that struggles almost exactly as your wife does, is of great value to me, and I'm sure with others as well.

Joe Conflict said...

At least your wife is willing to talk about it. Mine won't even mention it unless I bring up the question of whether or not she wants to be married to me. Acknowledgement is better than having it ignored. This one week---is it hormonal by chance?

Anonymous said...

Bror- I applaud you a thousand times for sticking with it. She is devastated and hoping that taking it out on you will change. . . something. . . anything to make it all easier. I completely agree with you asking her if another man would love her like you do. Something we "wives" tend to forget is that hetero marriages suffer just as much as ours do. Sometimes much, much more. There are so many hetero couples with significant sexual incompatibilities that put ours to shame! It is your love for her and the way you do it that drew her to you in the first place.
She may find the north star spouses discussion group helpful, as well as some of the other MOM groups. Maybe not, but she could check them out. It is a good place to vent and to get feedback and perspective.
Again- major kudos to you for plugging along- as well as Beck and Joe. Your lives are full of dissonance and yet you keep going. Thank you for sharing.
By the way- this is Mikeal's wife- you know, Madame Hawtness :)

Kengo Biddles said...

One thing that comes to my mind when people talk about someone who would be more interested in them physically, or whatever, is "will they still worship you when you're old and fat?" or "will they still be interested in you if x, y, or z changes?"

That's often a good reality check for me when I get frustrated with my wife.