Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Yes, I am still here. Sorry I have not posted in a while. It's not that I haven't wanted to post. I have much to say, but sometimes I just don't know how to say it. Maybe if I would write on my blog more it would be easier to write what I have to say.
I never really have anything new to say. Just things about everyday life. I don't worry about the church stuff to much because I don't see things changing there much in my life time. I just try to work on my own family and help them to understand what it really means to be gay.
The seminary teacher told my kids the other day that one chooses to be gay. Also, that all gays will all be in the lowest kingdom in heaven because of this "choice". They will be there with all the other scum of the earth. What a bunch of bullshit. Why would anyone choose to be gay. I am not angry, because I know the teacher is so ignorant on the subject of being gay. I have known the teacher most of my whole life. But I am glad to say my kids don't agree. One even suggested that maybe the teacher needs to watch "Prayers for Bobby" or read the book. I was proud of them. By the way, I am not out to my kids.
For some reason, I have also thought that after telling my wife about me be gay that my life would be easier. Well, it some ways it is and some ways it is not. Most months seem the same. She usually has one week out of the month that basically she can't stand me. It is always about the physical attraction part. The thought of me being gay or with another man makes her sick. I am like please, not again. I know I messed up thinking one day this gayness would be lifted from me. But must I suffer every month for it. I guess it is so. There is nothing I can do about. She threatens to leave for a man who worships her physically. I have told that if she must do it I would not stop her. I understand. But I ask her if she thinks he would love her anymore than I do. Would the rest of the marriage measure up to what we have? Would he be nice to her and take care of her? Would he whisper he loved her in her ear? If this need was filled would the rest of the marriage really matter? She would be so happy being physically satisfied maybe it wouldn't matter. I can't even answer these question for myself when she says she is not what I want. But we hash it over each month. I am to often reminded that I am attracted to the male body. I use to try and talk myself out of it. But I can't anymore. I have accepted the fact that a handsome guy is going to make me realize I am as gay as they come. I don't run away from it anymore. And so goes the life in a MOM marriage. What a blessing this blog is for me. Hey, I'm ok :)