Wednesday, October 7, 2009

She says......

She feels that she must choose between me and the church. I am not Mormon enough. Being who I am, I guess I will never be Mormon enough. Maybe she loves the church more than me.

3 comments:

Bravone said...

Oh, this hurts to read. I hope that she will step back and see the goodness of your marriage and see the goodness in the man that you are.

marriedtoamoho said...

One of the best things that has come out of all this mess was from Bravone- and I ask myself this all the time now: "What do I expect?" I felt the exact same way as your wife. Husband wasn't doing this that or the other and I couldn't get over it- he was talking to Bravone one night, listing all of the stuff he does do with church, and Bravone said, "What does she expect? It sounds like you do a lot!" So, I asked myself that question. I looked at what I was really saying when I told Husband what I was unhappy with. I hurt. My life as I knew it was over. My husband- the ONE person in the world who should love me, want me and give me security didn't actually want me after all- which was a really short jump to "he's going to leave me." It REALLY SUCKS! I thought I had to feel the same way about the Church as Husband. I thought in order for us to be "equally yoked" in the Gospel and in the marriage, we had to be of the same opinion and strength and tenor of testimony. Not true- but it took walking through fiery glass with bare feet to figure that out. I almost turned around and gave up. Many do. She hurts. All the stuff she says is because she hurts. Yes, I know, you hurt too. She wants to not hurt and quite possibly is asking you to make it all better. You can't make it better, but you can do your best to reassure her every waking minute that you love her and aren't leaving. Unless you are, then you shouldn't lie. :)
I'm spewing emotion at you- as if you don't have enough of that in your life- Just realize that even though you are traveling companions, you each have your own path, and shouldn't let the other determine where you should go. They have input, but not the final vote. You both need to know that. It is so frightening to let go, but when you turn the corner and find each other there- you will see that you are stronger and better off for walking your own way.
Just keep loving her. Someday she may realize how much she really does have.

Scott said...

She feels that she must choose between me and the church.

So... If she stays with you, she has to leave the Church?

Even if you aren't "Mormon enough", unless you are demanding that she change her level of Mormon-ness she's creating a false dichotomy. There are plenty of happily married couples in which one partner is an active member of the Church in full fellowship and the other is inactive or a non-member.

She can have you and the Church, as long as she accepts that having you means having whatever you you currently are and will become, rather than some idealized version of you (that is perhaps more "Mormon" than the real thing?) that she has created in her head.

Like Bravone and marriedtoamoho said... I hope that she can see the good in the man she has and stop being disappointed in what she doesn't have.

[[HUG]]