Thursday, April 22, 2010

Mission

My oldest son has decided to go on a mission. Why am I not totally thrilled about it. If I were a total Peter Priesthood, I would be happy as hell. I know me being a homo has a lot to do with it. I am not temple worthy at the moment because I don't pay my tithing and I have been inactive for quite a while.  And to be honest deep down inside I don't feel like doing anything to become temple worthy. Because of this, my bishop won't even let me baptize my youngest son. He is almost 9 years old. I guess I will have my oldest son baptize him to save him from having to take the missionary lessons. My wife says I am anti Mormon. I really don't feel like this is the case. I am just a Mormon who also happens to be a homo. Where does a guy like me fit in the big family plan? The way I feel inside doesn't jive with the church.  I hate it sometimes. I want to do what is right but I really don't know what that is at the moment. What seems right for me and what seems right for the family are two totally different things. Ah the life of a married Moho. :) I better start on that pinewood derby car that is due to race on Monday.

9 comments:

Beck said...

My son is going on a mission as well. I am excited for him, but not because I'm "Peter Priesthood". It's because I see him excited about something! He's setting goals and stretching himself as he prepares. I see these as good things and am thrilled to see him change from a young boy to a man.

I do relate to many things you have expressed in this post - the uneasiness, the gap between what is life "inside" verses life "outside", particularly with the church. I am trying to see the positive and build on that, forcing myself to not dwell on the negative that this gap tends to create.

Oh, the life of a MOHO MOM.

Good luck with the pinewood derby! :)

Daddy Bear said...

Since becoming inactive, I watched from the sidelines as they went to the temple and then went on their missions.

It was harder a few years later when they got married in the temple. No one seemed to care that I wasn't going. I wasn't worthy enough to attend the wedding, but plenty worthy to pay for the receptions and other costs.

I about lost it when someone asked if I could watch their small children during the ceremony since "I couldn't go anyway." I found other ways to amuse myself instead.

Bravone said...

I remember wanting to talk my two oldest out of going on a mission. At the time, I was very bitter toward the church. I couldn't ordain my second an elder or attend the temple with him.

I feel differently now. I feel like I do belong in the church. It doesn't belong to heterosexuals. It is Christ's church. He would want me there. I refuse to let others hijack the church for their own agendas.

Your son will learn and grow so much. If you can't support him in his conversion efforts, at least be glad that he is a fine enough son to want to serve God and others for 2 years. It is really quite amazing if you think about it.

Bror said...

@Beck, I totally agree with what you say about your son. I know it is the same with my son. I too want to dwell on the positive. It's just hard with this homo part of me questioning everything. Thanks for your comment.

Bror said...

@Daddy Bear I think this is the part that bothers me the most. It would tear my heart out if I could not go with them to the temple. The thought of it brings me to tears. Do I follow my heart or my head on this one. I pray I make the right choice.

Bror said...

@ Bravone, I do support him very much. If I didn't I don't think I would feel such emotions over the whole thing. As far as he knows I am thrilled. And I will keep it that way. I know the church is for us too. I just wish I didn't have these feelings of not belonging. I am sure you know what I mean.

recover and thrive said...

that is exciting he's going on a mission - missions definately change the whole family.....

santorio said...

my children left the church; we attended as a family so they got all the talks and lessons but when push came to shove, they shoved. Though I'm totally closeted, one of their complaints about the church is its homophobia (and racism, and sexism, and anti-science-ism, and of course the political stuff). I once asked a friend would you rather have your children active and conservative republicans or inactive and liberals? A no brainer answer for both me and her. They do real good in the world; I'm proud of them.

Butterflies and hand-grenades said...

Arrrg! What really frustrated me about this post is that you are clinging, and yet not holding on. You are clinging to labels, to your religion, to stereotypes, and to your bitterness! You are Clinging clinging to things that are making you unhappy! If the church is making you unhappy, ask for yourself to be formally removed from the church, even if it takes excommunication, when you cut yourself off from an institution that is causing you pain, like coming out, the relief and liberation will be without bounds! With labels, I advise you to stop describing yourself as a MOHO or as any one word/phrase, because they cannot describe you even remotely. You are more than a word!!!!

You are also not hanging on in many ways to things that could make you happy. You seem to have let go of hope, and only because you have limited yourself, and your options.

Also you have these concerns, and these doubts, and you seem unwilling to discuss them with your son. You are his father and 50% of the parental force in his life, don't let your wife to have all the say, and don't feel guilty because you have done NOTHING wrong. You have insights that your wife will never have, share.

On a different note, you are an inspiring person. You seem to be finally taking hold of your life, and your beliefs. Good luck sir, and have a great day! You deserve it!
-BHG