Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Tell me.................

Tell me is it right that I want to spend time with my friend who is messing with my inner feelings. Is it right that I go on long day trips and enjoy the awesome outdoors with him. Is it right I have him over for dinner with my family. Is it right that I think of him often through the day. Is it right that I repair things for him. Is it right that that I even have these feelings inside of me. Is it right that I cannot make them go away. Is it right that maybe I don't want them to go away. Is it right to try and live in both worlds. Is it right the pain I cause those close to me because of who I am. Is it right............

Friday, July 2, 2010

Kyle called.......

My wife said that Kyle called and wanted me to fix some things around the house.Things like the outside water faucet, the lawn mower, the back door, etc. I have been bad about getting things fixed around the house. I am trying to do better.
She says I would do anything for Kyle. She caught me off guard.  I do like him a lot and I am guilty of doing a lot of things for him. He is only here for a short time.  I just like to use my connections to help his stay here be the best possible. I have a crush on him.
She says you love him don't you.  Yes, I do. There are things I do love about him. I love the way he makes me feel when in his presence. I love his Christlike nature. I love his desire to do good and make our town a better place to live. I love how he takes care of the poor and the needy. The kids  love him so much. I see it when he is spending time with them. They hug and love him so. I love his smile. It is contagious. I love going hiking with him. He wants to see as much of Utah before he leaves. I want to help him do that.
My wife asks were does she fit in the picture? She says she does not have what I need. She cries and asks if I want to leave and discover my other needs. It breaks my heart she feels this way.  I do love her with all my heart, mind and soul. I don't want to leave.  I just have this other need that is never going away, I can't suppress it anymore. I need my Moho and guy friends.
I am all scrambled up inside. I don't know how to unscramble things. I want to but I can't. Sometimes when I think about it I cry.