Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Tell me.................

Tell me is it right that I want to spend time with my friend who is messing with my inner feelings. Is it right that I go on long day trips and enjoy the awesome outdoors with him. Is it right I have him over for dinner with my family. Is it right that I think of him often through the day. Is it right that I repair things for him. Is it right that that I even have these feelings inside of me. Is it right that I cannot make them go away. Is it right that maybe I don't want them to go away. Is it right to try and live in both worlds. Is it right the pain I cause those close to me because of who I am. Is it right............


Joe Conflict said...

Wish I could answer. But I know this--hang with him, feed the crush, and your "feelings" and the intensity grows worse. Sooner or later--it could force a situation that you don't want to deal with or aren't ready for.

We attract what we think about, for better or for worse.

Bror said...

Hey Joe! What you say is true and I think that is why I question what I do. How do I get a hold of you for lunch or something. I have family in Utah county and I am up there quite often. It would be nice to meet in person.

Crisco said...

I know the feeling. Right now I'm trying to decide if I have a crush or not. The problem I find is that when I grow close in friendship to someone, then I start to imagine more. Friendship is an integral part of an intimate, long-term relationship, so fantasizing about more can come unbidden. In my case, it doesn't hurt that this friend takes care of himself and is buff. We both have families, so we don't see each other too much. I can't give up on having or being a friend, so I won't and I'll just have to deal with crushing on my friends from time to time.

Ned said...

I know, I know it was just series of rhetorical questions, nonetheless:

1. Yes, because he's not messing with your feelings, he's just being himself and you've apparently got receptors for the chemistry between the two of you.

2. Of course, it's right. We all need some wholesome recreation from time to time, and appreciating the gifts of the creator is a pretty dang fine way to recreate.

3. Yes, because this is another example of what friendships ought to be, not just one-on-one, but families getting to know the friends of individual members of the family.

4. Yes, why wouldn't it be natural and acceptable to think about someone you care about?

5. Yes, it is right that we should help our friends and share with them our talents, especially when we can do something for them that they need done and that we know how to do.

6. Yes, if you mean is it right to continue to build a friendship with someone who is a positive influence in your life. Yes, of course.

7. I can't make my brown eyes go away, but I can wear colored contacts or sun glasses. I can't make my grey, bald head dark and furry again without a phony wig or outrageously expensive transplants.
So why not accept that I have brown eyes and thinning grey hair?

8. Yes, therefore, it is right that you probably don't really want them to go away.

9. Yes, one of the great realities of life is trying to attain balance. It's not easy, it's not always even possible, but, in my experience, it is almost always worth trying to attain.

10. I question your premise that you are causing pain to your loved ones because of who you are.

We'll you asked the questions and I've shared my opinions. What do you think?

Beck said...

Just getting caught up here... CiCi just commented on my blog regarding a similar wondering and discussion point in my marriage. Her comments were direct and to the point. You are fortunate and blessed to have such a wife.

Obviously you've been discussing these questions with her. Obviously she is giving you space to do these things with your "friends". I need to get back to this place.

But is it a good place? You're having these trips and time together with your bromantic friends. Is it helping? Is it a good thing? Are your questions really rhetorical and you already know the answer that these encounters are good and healthy and helpful to your marriage?

I love Ned's response. It makes a lot of sense. I'd be interested in hearing your response to his answers and to my questions here.

Best wishes for many more long weekends and friendship get-togethers.

Keaton said...

Bror...I found this intersting:

My first kiss was in June of 1975. I was a 15 year old boy living in Ft. Collins CO. My best friend was another 15 year old boy, shorter than me, but with the same blond hair that wouldn't comb into any semblance of order. His name was Billy. I loved him, but I dared not tell him. By this time I knew my attractions, sexually, romantically and emotionally were for other boys, but I was scared to death to voice them to anyone, much less him.

It was only a few months before that a county clerk in Boulder Colorado issued a marriage license to a gay couple. It was all over the news. The vitriol being spread all over the TV and in the newspapers ("why don't we start marrying men to horses!" is one comment I still remember 35 years later from someone on the TV). It did nothing but make me feel even more frightened.

Billy and I spent pretty much every day together. One warm summer day in June we were both swimming in his apartment complex pool, having a blast. When we finished, we went inside, got dressed and were sitting on the floor in his room. He looked at me and said "I love you." Just like that. I didn't know what to say so I replied "I like you too." "No," he repeated "I love you." I just sat there stunned and silent.

Billy was much more outgoing than I. He was the the one that instigated the train-jumping rides to Denver, the jumps off the cliffs at the reservoir and the late night horror shows. So I guess it only made sense that he was the one that bent over and kissed me. I let him, but then started crying, the emotions overwhelmed me. He must have understood, because he just slid closer, put his arm around me and kissed me gently again. It was sweet and loving. I returned the embrace and the kiss. By this time we were both crying. We lay there embraced in a kiss for a long time.

Eventually, I pulled away and said "I love you."

We were together as young lovers, friends and inseparable companions for 2 more years. He killed himself in 1977. It sent me into a suicidal spiral that almost ended my life too. . I became a Mormon and immersed myself into reparative therapy, religion and family. It wasn't till 1990 that I finally came out, and not until 1996 that I kissed again. That man 20 years after my first kiss is now my beloved husband of 14 years with whom I am raising 2 daughters.

That kiss in 1975 though has lasted 35 years. I don't think it's hyperbole to say that the memory of that kiss, the love and sweetness of it, is what got me through some pretty dark times.

Bror said...

@Ned, thanks so much for answering all my questions. I agree with you totally on all of them. And as for number 10, you are right.

Bror said...

@ Beck, I don't know if I really have the answers for your questions. I guess all I can do is just tell you more about myself.
A while back I was having a rough time with being me. Not so much being a homo but what would happen if I were to act on my homo feelings. It made me sad to think of what could happen to my family as I love them dearly. But the feelings are there and they are so real and every so often they are so intense they bring me to my knees. I was lying on my bed with tears in my eyes wondering why anyone would have to bear something so soul wrenching. I began thinking how the choices I make have different effect on my family than me. What feels so right and good for me is not so good for them. The touch or kiss of a man to me is so natural and desirable for me but not for them. My wife happened to walk in and find me. I couldn't do anything but pour my heart out to her and tell her everything my heart was feeling. I told her I love her so but I have these other needs too. I can't live without them. I need them or I might as well die. I told her everything and was brutally honest. I can't suppress the homo in me anymore. You ask if the hiking and bromancing is helping me. I must say yes. It makes me feel alive. It makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to take better care of myself. It makes me a better husband and father. Another thing that helps is meeting other guys like me. Someday I hope to meet you in person.

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